Stop Comparing

In Disney’s original Snow White, the Queen constantly compares herself to others, especially Snow White. This compassion holds her in place and makes her extremely unhappy. The same happens to many people with regard to their careers. They are so focused on what others are doing they do not invest the time in themselves.

The other day, I talked to a lawyer who was in tears because she felt stalled in her career and less successful than her peers. Despite having exceptional skills and lots of potential to move forward, she evaluated her career and herself solely based on how she measured up to a few other people she could think of who were better off. She spends so much time thinking about others that she is not investing time in herself.

When we compare ourselves to others, it is called social comparison. It is harmful when you compare yourself to someone you deem to be more or less successful than yourself.

Comparing ourselves to others we believe are better off than us is called an upward social comparison and usually makes us feel dissatisfied and stuck. It can often make us think we can do nothing to improve our situation, turning dissatisfaction into frustration. For many, this means you will not act because you believe that there is nothing you can do to change things.

When we compare ourselves to people we believe are worse off than we are, it is called a downward social comparison, and it may make us feel satisfied, but it tends to sap our motivation to work harder or strive for our goals. You become happy with where you are.

If you’re finding that social comparisons are dragging you down and holding you in place, here is what to do instead:

‍Focus on Your Own Performance and Path

Social comparisons allow other people’s lives to commandeer your goals, even when their objectives are totally different than you want.

Take the time to evaluate what you want and what satisfies you personally and professionally. List the key things you would like to do or to achieve. Develop and execute a plan that will make those plans happen.

Any time you start to feel yourself spiraling into comparison, take the focus off the other person and put it on yourself.

• Are you more focused on career development than you were last week?
• Are you a bolder leader than you were last month?
• Did you raise your profile and network more this year than last?
• Did you ask for what you needed to meet your objectives?

If yes, you’re moving forward, no matter what anyone around you is doing. The only comparison you should be doing is measuring your actions against your goals. You can measure your work today against the standard you set yesterday or last year.

Be Aware of When You Compare

When you start comparing yourself to others, pay attention to the circumstances. Do you notice a specific pattern? You could have a friend or colleague who constantly brags about his accomplishments: the corner office, fancy title, huge bonus, and promotions. Are you following people on LinkedIn who showcase and flaunt their extraordinary lives and careers?

Be aware of these triggers and reframe your thoughts to focus on you. Ask yourself why I am doing comparisons. What is going on with me?

When you are triggered, you can add substitutes to avoid spiraling. Add substitutes, such as taking action regarding your objectives and accessing positive and uplifting self-help podcasts, books, blogs, and articles to help you learn, become more brilliant and innovative, and feel good about yourself.

Remember that the lives you covet are not necessarily actual; some people carefully hone how they want people to perceive them. You will never really know what’s going on behind the scenes. They may have all the trappings of success, but there may be much more going on down deep.

‍Leverage Comparisons to Motivate and Activate

Instead of resenting someone else’s success, leverage this energy to motivate and activate you toward accomplishing your goals. If there is someone in your orbit who you perceive as uber successful, deconstruct how they moved forward or even ask to pick their brains to find out how she advanced in her career.

Also, use their success to demonstrate to yourself that it is possible to change your career and life - if only you understand your strengths and opportunities and know what it takes to move forward.

Revel In Others Success and Be Grateful

When you see someone else’s achievements, try reframing your reaction. Envy is the emotion you experience when someone else has or does something you wish you could have or do. If a colleague gets a promotion or an award you want, it is natural to feel jealous. Instead, consider sending a note of congratulations and enjoying their success. Discontenting from the comparison can move you forward.

Also, remember how much you have accomplished and be grateful for it. A great way to do that is to write out a gratitude list. Focusing on gratitude helps because much of what you’re thankful for involves the people around you who have looked out for you, mentored you, and promoted your work. That makes gratitude an excellent antidote to unfavorable social comparisons. It reminds you that there are a lot of people around you who are contributing to your success.

Freeing yourself of the comparison trap allows you to work on your objectives and leverage your unique strengths and weaknesses. So, stop comparing and moving forward.

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Want more insights?

Check out my 10 TIPS FOR IN-HOUSE COUNSEL STRUGGLING TO ADVANCE. In this guide, I share time-tested tips for in-house counsel to release fear, jump-start your career, and propel you towards promotion.